“Let It Be Enough”

I don’t remember where I first saw these words posted a few months back, but they have stayed with me ever since. At first, I wondered, let what be enough? What is the it?

And over the last few weeks, I think I have just begun to finally realize that the IT could be, should be applied to EVERYTHING.

I have spent so much of my adult life “trying to get my shit together.” As far as I’ve come, as blessed as I know that I am, there has been a constant nagging voice in my head of, “Do better,” and a surplus of moments where I have felt that things in my life just aren’t good enough yet. I have inwardly criticized my role as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, and even as a person. It’s happened more times than I would like to admit.

When I saw these words, they hit me in the back of the head like a ton of bricks, but I wasn’t sure why. In the busy and chaotic life of being a new mother, when something catches my attention like this, I know that it’s worth thinking about. After really letting it sink in, especially in this last month that I’ve been back in Chicago and have gotten some much needed rest and help from my mother with my son, I’ve started to feel some long-time needed relief.

I’ve always felt like life was so incredibly noisy and if I stopped just for a second to listen, I’d hear some of the things that had been weighing me down and holding me back the most. For me, it’s always been things like, “If you don’t try, you can’t really fail.”

“You’ve messed up and there’s nothing you can do but feel bad about it.”

“You always do this, what’s wrong with you?”

And then there’s my favorite…

“You are not enough.”

Undoubtedly, my self conscious and not life has been whispering these things into my mind for years when I least needed to hear them. I have never stopped fighting against them. I have kept trying. I have kept moving forward, but always with a certain air of disappointment and never without a slight expectation that I will surely fail.

Never have I been told, let it be enough. Whenever I think about these words now, I start to become overwhelmed with emotion because it’s just so simple. It’s just you and the power you have, to give yourself permission to let whoever and whatever it is that you are, that you’ve done, and you are doing BE ENOUGH.

It’s not settling. It’s not about having goals and giving up on them. It’s forgiveness, acceptance, and self-love and all of the things that I have probably been worst at.

 

So here it is…

Let it be enough that I am 27 years old, currently living in a state that I am not quite fond of, married to man I mostly feel that I do not deserve, with a 10-month-old son that has entirely taken over my heart, my soul, and my right mind.

Let it be enough that I am a stay at home mom and that I’m not quite good at it yet. I get stir crazy and bored. I feel unproductive, impatient, and I hate admitting that I miss being around my people back home. I take it out on my husband sometimes and I am constantly trying to understand why it can be so easy to hurt the feelings of the people that you care about the most.

Let it be enough that I had good grades in high school, that I went to college for something that I loved and failed at accomplishing anything other than a degree. Writing meant too much to me and I was afraid to disappoint. I did not hold on to my dreams. I did not put in the work. Instead, I put the essence of myself in a box somewhere and have tried to pretend like it’s never bothered me. I am finding ways, like this, to pursue and not give up on my dreams this time.

Let it be enough that I am 27 years old and that I have years from my past that I have still allowed to hurt me in some way because I tend to be the worst at letting bad things go. I have sought help. I have not been above going to therapy. I have no regrets for the lessons that I have learned, but some things just lit a fire in me that will not die. Some things have taken root and make me who I am. They are part of the reason that I am still alive and I’m grateful for that, no matter how many bad days there are. Trust me.

Let it be enough that Jude will never have the perfect mom, but that he will never have to question that I love him, that I care about him, or that I will always be there for him no matter what he does or decides or wherever life takes him.

Let it be enough that I love my husband so much even when he doesn’t know it, even when in silence, even when I’m angry, or I’m rolling my eyes at his affection. I am not always kind or right. I am not fair, but to him it has never been about winning and because of that I have found the greatest love of all to spend my life with.

Let it be enough that I did not come from a perfect household or a wholesome family, but that their choices have helped push me for much more in my life. It taught me not to settle for anything that wasn’t real love. My mother taught me to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. I know what hard work is because of my father. I know what sacrifice means because of them. I learned gratitude and humility. I gained perseverance and I could never give up on anything even if I wanted to. I am resilient. I am Mexican and I am more than proud to come from a long history of those who have worked and fought so hard to give the opportunity of a better life for their family and their children.

Let it be enough that I don’t go to church and I haven’t baptized my son yet, but my faith and trust in God is the reason that my spirit has never been broken. I don’t need to be affiliated with anything for Him to be in my heart and close to my life.

Let it be enough that sometimes I really don’t feel like I am enough, but I’ve been blessed with people, so many people who constantly make me feel like I am and worthy of so much love. These people are my family and because of them I am a better person. I am strong, beautiful, smart, loving, caring, deserving, and more than enough. Their existence has brought my life so much happiness.

Let it be enough that there is NO ONE in this planet who will ever be like me or like you. You and I are special. We all have our flaws, our regrets, our own personal pain, but because of it we are stronger then we will ever know.

 

 

Let it be enough.