I’m 29 today.
When I turned 21 it felt like a time in my life that would last forever. I’ve been going through the last couple years in a daze. I’ve been confused about my age or what it is that I’m supposed to be doing right now other than taking care of my son. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve checked in with my husband to make sure I had my age down right on paper. Today is bittersweet because I do not feel like I’m 29, but when I look in the mirror, I see how tired I am and when I look at my son, I see how fast time is going by and how I feel like it’s leaving me behind. I pictured a certain type of wisdom at 29 and it’s not that I haven’t learned a lot, but there are still so many questions and this restlessness deep inside. I still have all these skeletons in my past that keep me up at night because at some point I got tired of running and now I don’t remember it all like I used to. I have scars that I cannot explain, some that are visible on my body and it’s hard to connect to the mind that stood by and allowed all of what was to happen. I still don’t feel the calm. I look at my husband and I see it in his eyes. It is an effortless choice to him and he chose right. Meanwhile, my hands are still cracked and falling apart. It’s getting harder not to scratch that itch. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t feel like I’m 29 because I am nowhere near ready to take on my 30s. I’m still stuck somewhere in between 23 and 26, when I thought I knew what my life had planned, when I had things that I could list on my hands that made me more of a grown up, but I still felt like I had time to make a few mistakes in between. Now my plans feel like dreams and mistakes seem like the end of the world to me because I don’t just live for myself now. There is a person that I want to become by the time Jude can use his mind to form an opinion of me. There’s a person that I want to become that I needed when I was younger and sometimes, I swear that she’s there underneath all the layers of tired, busy, and the I don’t have time for that because there never is enough time. I feel sad that most days I haven’t figured out a way to live in the present. I feel responsible for the time that has blessed me with so many wonderful memories and the time I haven’t spent saying thank you. I live in a world of opportunities and chances even when I have actively chosen to not walk through the door and stood still.
I don’t feel 29 today, but maybe that is the point. Maybe things are still hard and confusing because that’s how it’s supposed to be. Maybe not feeling ready is the same as having something worth living for. It means I’m not done yet and I still have an unfinished journey. There’s still time even when it’s fast and I am so thankful for everyone who has been a part of it.